Posts tagged emotional maturity

Lessons in Calm

Brought to you by the voice screaming in my head Sunday night.

It happened.  I think I almost officially went to Crazy Land.  I’m not knocking it.  I think most creatives dip their toe in that pool once in awhile.  If the water isn’t cold and I ease in, I’m good for a visit.

It didn’t happen that way last night.  I was driving back to set up for another event.  A fun event.  An event that was relaxing and calming and should have been a breeze to organize.  All of a sudden, driving over the hill I heard a scream inside my head.  It’s simply been too much of late.  Too much media.  Too much time checking Huffington Post, Facebook, CNN, Twitter and more.  Too much time trying to find ‘pretty’ sites to visit about things like fashion and design to rest my brain rather than going offline and, uh, resting.

My brain is hyper-active.  I long for the days when it was sluggish.  *DeepOld-FashionedBlackAndWhiteTelevisionSigh*

So, for now, I’m making some small changes.  Mini changes.  Changes of the small and not the big kind:

1. I started buying books again.  I’m not talking about digital versions but real live paper books that get soaked and swollen in the bathtub.  Those kind.  I’m reading one book a week, focusing on memoir for now since that’s where my passion rests.

2. I’ve restructured my time.  No more watching Netflix as a means of falling safely to sleep.  Old episodes of The City can really screw a girl up.

3. I removed all interactive apps from my phone.  Well, except for the pizza delivery one.  I mean, let’s not get out of control here.  FB and Twitter and Netflix are no more. 

Might that change tomorrow?  It could.  I’m a woman and therefore inherently fickle.  For now, for today life is just a bit quieter.

Have to go.  Going to walk outside and star watch.  And I don’t mean the magazine kind.

Much love to you as you rest and quiet the loud places,

*whispering* Cole

shoes in my fridge.

I phoned Will from outside the car dealership.

Me: It’s a Sunday.  Can you talk?  Just for a minute.

Will: What happened?

Me: She was just sitting there with her extra large sandwich and her cigarettes and threw the car application at me.  What is WRONG  with people?

Will: What are you doing looking at cars?  We just talked about this.  Just last month we talked about how great you are doing, habibi. 

                                    And then the tears came.

Me: I went to the movies last night and saw Another Year and thought it was about an old couple in love but it was about their single lady friend who looks just wretched and wrinkled and old.  And she doesn’t keep food in her fridge….JUST LIKE ME.

Will: Okay.

Me: And she didn’t have a caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!  JUST LIKE ME.

Will: Ahh.

Me: *tears and more tears and then sobs and more sobs*  And I don’t want a car but I left the theatre and knew I had to fill up my fridge with food just so people would think I was normal cause doesn’t everyone have more than orange marmalade, soy, one egg and December milk in their fridge? And then I drove by all the closed dealerships looking for a car cause I need a car so people don’t think…so they don’t think…so they don’t think…

Will: So they don’t think you’re almost forty with no car and no food in your fridge, habibi?

Me: *tears*

Will: You are great.  You are doing great.  Remember how you told me movies aren’t real life.  That real life is real life?  Well, real life is real life, Nicolia.  (He calls me Nicolia especially when he wants to make a financial point)  Nicolia, you are the one I tell people about when I talk about someone growing up.  You are paying your debt, you are living on “bread and salt”, you are being a church mouse and within a year you can go back to getting anything you want. 

I almost made a 20K purchase because of a feeling I had in a movie.  Wonder how often we buy on feeling.  Homes, cars, clothes, electronics for you men folk.  I walked away from the dealership to get sound financial advice from a friend and thankfully came to my senses.  Well, then I got a grilled cheese.  Cause that helps, too.

I won’t tell Will about the new navy suede pumps I bought yesterday.  Or the black snake skin ones, either.  They were on sale.  Well, and then an extra 40% off and a coupon on top of that so practically free if you really think about it.

I might put them in my fridge.

Much love,

Cole

What I Wanted to Say.

Brought to you by $3.17 a gallon which I cannot believe seems like a good deal to me.

I was on my way back to take my rental, oh by the way hi…so I was on my way to take the rental back to Enterprise when I realized I needed to fill up the tank so I didn’t pay $1,732.99 per gallon to fill it up. 

I’m learning in my old age.  You men are impressed, aren’t you?  Continuing… 

So, I go to fill up the car, get out, put my debit card in and do the whole waiting at the gas tank thing that we all do when I noticed the “Push To Speak With Attendant” button.  I stared at it.  I wanted to press it.  Badly.  No, I mean not in the way where you want to ask a question for assistance but in a sort of “Hi, how are you today?  I don’t really need help but thought I’d say hi way.”  You know.  Like that way. 

I kept looking at the button and then looking inside to see who might answer my request and then wondering if they would call the Crazy Police on me for pressing it for a non gas emergency reason.  Though not certain if one can be ticketed for pressing the help button I didn’t want to take a chance.  I’m trying to be responsible and all those sort of pre middle age things. 

Still, what I wanted to do was press it and say hi.

And even this evening.  The grandma that hurt herself last week at the corner market stopped by my office and wanted to thank me for sitting with her until the paramedics came.  She has limited english and I have limited faarsi and what she wanted to say she couldn’t.  And what I wanted to say I couldn’t.  What I wanted to say was, “I’m glad you’re alive and I don’t want you out walking around without help and I’m nervous something is going to happen to you and by the way WHERE IS YOUR SWEATER?” 

And my little, taller than me Snarky Brother.  I stopped by his work today and have missed him and felt this really huge need to rush up and hug him even though our family is not much of the hugging sort.  I saw him and he looked Snarky as ever and not in the hugging mood and what I wanted to say was, “I had another seizure last night and I’m so tired of them but just in case one of these is The Big One I want to hug you so that there will be a hug on the record and just deal with it.”  I didn’t.  I smiled and chatted about nonsense and walked away.

I should have pressed the button at the gas station and talked to the attendant.  Who knows if they were in utter turmoil at that very moment and I could have offered a gas station word of encouragement. 

I should have told the grandma to sit down and found her a blanket and loved on her a bit instead of nodding my head and smiling and having pleasantries that don’t amount to much of anything.

And I should have hugged my brother and then called The Elder and told him how very much I love him.  Just because and just in case and just cause that’s what you should do rather than not doing it.

What I wanted to say to you all is that I’m indebted to you for reading my words and for loving on me and caring and finding joy and some understanding from the details of my life.

Much love to you as you find the things you want to say and then say them,
Cole